Things My Apprentice has Taught Me
by Suzunomiko
Summary: Moze speaks out about those pesky little brats...


Things my Apprentice has Taught Me

It is impossible to childproof anything.

Xerxes has an extreme and dangerously violent aversion to baths and/or any combination of soap and water imaginable.

An entry-level containment field of average size holds enough liquid to fill a 200 sq ft Library floor three inches deep.

Always store important tomes on the top shelf, especially those written in or containing water-soluble ink.

Any object denser than a damp sponge WILL shatter double-pane sandstorm-proof windows if launched at a high enough velocity. The same applies to vials, bottles, vases, pots, lamps, beakers and mirrors.

Pixies bite. Hard.

Novices at any sort of magic should not be allowed to consume anything but small amounts of water before training in the following: levitation, appiration, inter-dimensional portal creation, flight, dissection, Mamluk creation, potions brewing or cooking in general.

Taunting Imps is NOT a good idea, no matter how few of them there happen to be. At the very least one should confiscate their construction tools beforehand.

Dragonsbane and Mandrake Root should never be mixed in portions of 2 to 1 in either combination, as it produces a noxious purplish-blue or bluish-purple fog that, though not lethal, will successfully peel the finish off of a 200-year-old desk.

Demons, summoned accidentally or purposely, cannot be contained within a Crystal of Ix for a period of more than four hours at a time. They CAN however, be indefinitely imprisoned within an ordinary iron inkwell. The trick to this is to first use the crystal, then put the crystal in the inkwell. If you are feeling particularly vicious, be sure the inkwell is full of ink first.

A 'Tattletale' is an actual demon. They serve no purpose other than irritating the summoner by utilizing a talent that most humans tend to lose after the age of twelve. You can't send them back as far as I know, but you also can't hear them prattling on once you have imprisoned them in an inkwell.

Mamluks do not appreciate being mimicked.

Xerxes is allergic to chocolate.

It is immensely easier to obtain the services of Sprites if you bribe them with large amounts of candy rather than capturing and threatening them. Though the latter is more fun overall, the look on the Hero's face when the Sprites insist they are working of their own free will is PRICELESS. In addition, Sprites have been known to work an average of 3 times faster than normal under the influence of a really wicked sugar rush. Only a child could have worked THAT one out.

Sprites forgive and forget quickly. Most often they just plain forget.

Always translate and read the caption underneath pictures of creatures in summoning scrolls. Labels such as "Actual Size", "Do Not Feed" and "Keep Away from Water" are commonplace, and help in choosing which creature you need for what task.

No, you may not have a pet. Xerxes ate the last one.

Wrapping a Mamluk in a carpet and rolling it down the stairs will not make it dizzy.

It will, however, make Xerxes dizzy.

Xerxes will vomit twice his body weight while dizzy.

Never attempt to light a candle 3 feet away from an improperly mixed potion.

Most chandeliers are not designed to hold more than 20 pounds.

Always wear gloves while feeding Xerxes.

XERXES DOES NOT LIKE CHILDREN.

A child will hit a target dead-on the first try while looking backwards and speaking incessantly, and miss by miles each successive try no matter how hard they concentrate.

Allowing a child to draw pictures in their leisure time will improve their writing style. I have no idea how, but it does.

After a certain amount of time has passed since creation, Mamluks become water-soluble.

Wet Mamluk remains smell worse than anything you can possibly imagine.

Never leave a pair of scissors, a child, and a familiar alone in the same room. Never.

A Hero will not kill you in full view of your apprentice. In his eyes, even if your apprentice is as mean and manipulative as you are, that doesn't necessarily make him evil. The Hero will, however, try to take your apprentice away from you.

In the event that a Hero tries to take your apprentice away from you, have a surveillance system ready so you can watch the brat destroy his home. Also, have the Hero arrested for kidnapping since you need adoption papers to have an apprentice in the first place.


End file.
